Friday, January 2, 2009

oh eight / oh nine / don't worry be happy

"The new year is here, and I wonder what it will bring. I wonder what great music and art will be created, what new relationships will be formed, what adventures will be undertaken, what losses will come.

This year, I want to really think all the time. To question all the time. To love truly, to create amazing things, to adventure, to take risks."
that ^ is from the beginning of the year. i was all about capitalization then, haha. i feel very fulfilled as i read my aspirations for this year and know that i realized them. here are a few things i remember from oh eight:

falling in love with diana and existing in it in Spain, first kiss in the basement of a hippie store in madrid, all messy and beautiful, and the ensuing heartbreak of our end.
mountain top moment in argentina, just me and the andes with golden light on the jagged peaks.
seasons of depression and numbness and a whole ton of self doubt.
fires on makaha beach in hawaii with a mandolin, cousins, and the brightest sky of the universe.
winning the ping pong tournament.
timeless incredible perfect jam sessions with matt in the big room
playing the goodbye song to the class of oh eight and all the tears that followed, and all the tears that came with the realization that my best friends, band members, and myriad special people were all leaving me.
andrew bird concert and its vast and perfect beauty, telling mr. bird that he is my hero, to his face.
waking up to sufjan on a lazy sunday morning and being warmed by the sun coming through my flags in the window.
nasty sweaty mornings working breakfast dishroom.
brazilian lover eduarda and learning emptiness of lust without true love and depth.
talking to jolly okot, warrior of peace in uganda africa on the phone, invisible children and my attempts at leading an effort to raise money for them, the depression about not doing enough, and the revival of my passion for the cause.
reading on the road and the dharma bums and their subsequent impact on my thought and life.
talks and tough questions with pastor serge.
stress, a quarter's worth of ap english work to do in one night.
getting kicked out of bel canto and the subsequent pain and acceptance.
active meditations with helouisa in argentina, and learning about life from her.
finding a love of languages and learning spanish.
finding peace with a sweet smelling flower and the wind and the waves on waikiki beach.
lots of thoughts on death and life and the moment.
seeing the universe sway.
running around trees madly in the winter rain barefoot playing my harmonica in my irish felt tophat.
discovering the ugliness of jealousy, becoming accidentally trapped in girl drama.
andrea, our mutual fascination and attraction, and the sudden fade of the spark on my end.
the wall.
el porro and ensuing beautiful madness.
forays into conspiracy theories with dad, improvement of our relationship, actually having a deep conversation with him that didn't end in a stalemate of blind religious dogma vs my creedless open existence.
increased bitterness and anger and caged feeling at school, especially during forced religious activities, worship, church, etc.
dance parties with jeff and johnny and steve and a slew of random objects.
long term relationships between friends crashing and burning.
almost leaving school mid quarter to go on the road with dave and no money or equipment.
almost hitting a deer while driving too fast wrong side of the road at one am blasting hardcore with the windows down.
amelie and her vast inspiration.
discovering walt whitman and leaves of grass in the library at union while i was supposed to be auditing a class, reading "one hour to madness and joy" over and over again and the tears that came to my eyes for its perfection.
the intense call of the night and being stuck inside blue mountain academy's fucking dormitory and not being able to answer.
the jawdropping incredible flamenco guitarists that i saw in an irish pub in argentina, three times.
loneliness and the inner tension of a need for love and a desire to stay free and a desire not to use anyone or hurt anyone.
learning to crochet and making a damn good hat for emily.
descending into san martin de los andes at night on the bus while listening to pavoratti and the way his last high note ended exactly as the bus stopped.
new friends, abi, johanna, andrew, graham, michelle, mao, the whole gang in bariloche.
running down the street for sheer joy late at night and afterclub aloneness with the lake and the wind at 6 am.
breaking out of the bubble i've lived in most of my life, the difficulty of breaking the mental bubble, and the pain of having to return to it.
hiking in argentina and hawaii and rediscovering my love of the trail and the natural world.
getting the d300 and the subsequent artistic depression about not using it enough.
writing amazing poetry, and writing shitty poetry.
my radical raw soul experience on senior retreat in which i saw the world as one huge fluid existence of energy and sobbed heaving hard deep cries like never before over the lack of love and acceptance and freedom and expounded all the silent wisdom from my heart on ears that did not truly understand, friends who thought i was demon possessed, and i felt the souls of every person in the world and laid on the night earth writhing with love and brokenness and release, and justin's scary voice when he said there is only one way, speaking of jesus christ, and my subsequent broken cry and throwing of the earth at him, our tense exchange and eventual hug, and how i wanted to dance after.
feeling like a failure one day and a savior the next, and feeling nothing the next, and everything the next.
masses of ideological confusion and the realization that how i got here, where i'm going, and what is happening in a different dimension does not change the way in which i wish to live my life.
being forced to cut my hair.
surfing my first wave all the way in to shore.
missing the people i love that are scattered about the globe.
moving past listening only to indie and reveling in the incredible soundscape of the music of different world cultures.
discovering my love of reggae and late nights dancing to it in la cantina.
myriad future plans and the accompanying excitement.
photoshoot on the shed roof with janna and angela and a saw and an orange and chairs and newsweeks and croquet mallets wearing all plaids and a bowtie.

i thank you, oh eight, for all that you gave to me. and now i move on to oh nine. i will graduate high school this year. i will turn nineteen, which sounds much older than eighteen.

this year is about eschewing fear. it's about stepping out of my comfortable little inner self and becoming a radical. talking to all the people i see that i want to meet and learn from and share with but am too afraid to. being bold and passionate and intentional about my life. becoming secure about myself so that i can better give of myself to others. doing the odd things that i want to do that free my soul without worrying what people will think.

i want to love boundlessly, experience deep raw intense soul experiences, create beautiful meaningful things, learn all that i can, adventure recklessly, live in harmony, find peace within myself, actually finish some of the things i start, meditate more, read, write, and learn to live simply.

i'm excited about this year and its surprises and joys. i also am sure it will hold pain and aloneness and difficulty. i embrace this. the fire cleanses the heart. "the more that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

i love life, and celebrating this year's one digit reminder of it. i am thankful that i exist. i am thankful that you exist. let us dance and sing together.

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