Wednesday, December 24, 2008
my dad was sawing a board. i saw the little picture with a stick figure hand with severed fingers and i wanted to put my hand in the saw, twice.
later, i had an orange in my hand, and i was outside, and there was light fading into darkness, and i wanted to throw the orange into the darkness and watch it fade away into space. it would just keep rising until it slammed and splatted into a satellite's fragile side, and then the whole earth would be without DirecTV and i would smile and say, well there's my good deed for the day!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
a disconnect. a place to become numb. i don't know why. i only know that i cannot open up. everything's fine on the surface, but since when did i care about the fucking surface?? i inexplicably cannot give of myself here. i stay within. no affection flows. this is supposed to be the place i think about with warm charming little thoughts when i'm in stuck in a rainstorm miles from civilization in a country where i don't speak the language. truth is, i would much rather be there right now, if i could be there with someone with whom i could share love and life.
an emergency vehicle just passed by out on the road. i hope it doesn't slip on the ice. i wish it was taking me to the hospital. it would be an adventure. the EMT's and i could laugh together as they cut open my chest.
Monday, December 22, 2008
eschew the rumble.
thou shalt not stumble.
carry this weight and do not fumble.
open your eyes. hear nature grumble.
the jaguar roars as forests tumble
starving while the masses mumble.
do you not understand?
stop building! stop cutting!
the plea, the cry
of our mother, the sky
the shit that you crave will be your grave.
thou shalt halt. or watch your world crumble.
my great desire and deep wish is to make a massive impact on the world through the giving of love and joy and wisdom. i have a burden especially for those oppressed of Soul, existing but not LIVING, the walking dead on their way into the mold of mediocrity and greed that our society places so conveniently in their path. i want those without food, water, or opportunity to get it, too. there's a more concrete solution to that, i'll spread awareness about what's happening, spark passion in others to stop it, ask the world for money to buy food, etc. but how do i go about infusing Life into life? the first step is to live it, of course. stop being addicted to obtaining. i have in many regards, but not enough. i want to live radically. i want to make every moment meaningful, to live with intention, driven by a fiery purpose. to never waste a minute of life on things that don't matter. and then what? i think i will find an intersection that is destitute by night and busy by day, and pitch a tent in it. i will not move when the masses curse me and the fact that they are late to a job they don't like to make money to buy things they don't need. i will watch a bird through the netting of the tent and be glad for its example of freedom. i will tell aforementioned commuters to do the same.
will this work? i don't know. however, the key for me, the finisher of nothing, the starter of little, is to dive in and start in whatever way i can.
"We stand at the bottom of that mountain feeling overwhelmed, feeling doubt, feeling where do I even begin? You begin when you decide to pick up the shovel. You begin when you determine that you will do all it takes, regardless… You begin when you decide that no matter how long it takes, no matter if your undertaking is successful or not – that it’s not the outcome that matters as much as the journey taken - that shoveling matters." (from http://tizitl.blogspot.com)