Friday, February 27, 2009

my art

i am bursting with ideas since coming up with a new photo technique. (i'm sure others have done it as well, but i thought it in my head uninfluenced...) it involves long exposures in a completely dark room and manual fired flashes and sometimes flashlights. a glimpse of the insanity:

Saturday, February 21, 2009

one day i shall not be contained

my skin is tingling with energy

i can't stop moving and i want more than anything to frolic free long into the night with anyone and everyone who feels this same massive exploding yearning to abandon cares and caution and "maturity" and to be mad insane radical children exploring the world all wide-eyed bringing home frogs in our pockets...

one day not so far away i will have the freedom to do that. but for now, i am forced to sit inside this tomb and dream...

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

the sliding glass door

i saw a child of maybe three, a boy with curly black hair and an innocent face, running towards me from the other side of a clean curved piece of glass inside a curved wall. it was clear to me that i was inside some sort of fancy room and he, out. he did not stop as he ran at the glass. his face made contact at the cheek and stuck, while the rest of his body rose effortlessly from the ground. his neck was bent to facilitate a position of flying, and he smiled as he waved his limbs. i was quite delighted. it became clear to me that the glass was a door that could slide, and i stepped forward and pressed a red button on the wall. the glass began to slide, but the boy was not carried to the left along with it. he stayed in the middle of the opening while the glass slid along his chubby cheek. he was still flying and smiling. before the edge of the door reached him

i woke up.

i drink in darkness

what is this strange comfort that relaxes my muscles as i shut the locked door behind me?
what is this gleam that appears in my eye the second the light which would reveal it is snuffed out?

Sunday, February 15, 2009

first breath after coma

ahhhh how beautiful to lose oneself in music, drown in its depth, joy, and pain, to journey incredible soundscapes sitting in a new friend's car late at night, sharing the epic soul moments and awakenings that we are given by the songs that we love--

this is life! this is Life!! this is LIFE!!!!

telling and hearing stories of radical experiences, shy awkwardness giving way to serene understanding, falling over in the snow (always worth the joy of the slide), ditching the masses to walk in the icy air and marvel at the sky, trying to skip down the line in the middle of the road and running in erratic circles to stay warm, having a good cup of coffee with laughter...

and when i squint just right at the streetlights they explode up into the sky like fireworks

and when i look over to the drivers seat you are purely in the moment, head back and eyes closed mouthing the melody, air drumming with your hands and feet and i think about how beautiful your soul is my friend

and now i can feel it rising all over me inside me and the shivers run up and down my body as the cymbals and the horns and the strings and the choir and the soaring melody carry me on their wings to new heights and my face is locked into the widest grin i've had in months and for once i Feel, life holding my heart in its hands at last 

and i will not hold it in any longer!!
i open my palms to the universe and i suck deep into my lungs my first breath after coma.


yes, my saturday night was magnificent. i have of late been starved of these moments, so it was a veritable feast... and although it was cut short by the worried calls of those upon whom i am dependent, i am nothing but grateful. to life, to aforementioned wonderful acquaintance rapidly turned friend, to the crafters of the music that connects to our souls, to pretty much everything... and i haven't felt alive like this in a long time, i have been a robot with a broken motherboard, searching for myself and my identity and drowning in the caustic rhetoric and routine of blue mountain academy... and i am so relieved to reconnect to myself, to live in the innocent and fun and beautiful moments. all it took to snap out of the fog was the right company and the right situation. how wonderful!

Thursday, February 12, 2009


hackysack... one of my healthier escapes

Monday, February 9, 2009

some things that happened!

today i bought wonderful boldly printed retro looking silky fabric to make a tie with. i will wear it with the black suit that i don't really like to wear, and i will feel fulfilled because i made it.

this morning i meditated, the Kundalini meditation as taught by the late indian guru Osho, which includes shaking and dancing along with the whole lotus position being quiet deal that many imagine to be the sum of meditation. it is an hour long, consisting of 15 minute segments (shaking, dancing, sitting quietly, lying down peacefully) to specifically made music... i shook free all of the doubts and plagues and headaches of my mind from the last few days, and during the dance segment i was running through fields with joy, and then i was watching the sunrise with birds flying overhead, and then starting from my head i peeled my skin all the way off and shook around with my various unfettered bodily juices splashing everywhere, and i was really really happy, and then i put all my skin back on, and i was still happy. during the third stage the music is very haunting, and today i saw a mother crying for her dead child, and a brokenhearted lover, and i was very sad. then i cleared my mind and was very peaceful.

i thought about love.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

saturday morning

down, down, down, through rusty pipes, centuries old
the refuse of my abandon flows.
it is an angry, caustic river, and
the debris of its journey remains in my nose.

Monday, February 2, 2009

the heart can't decide

will i take your hand, or will both of our ashes end up buried in the yard?
i love you, we need each other, i am afraid, you are confused

but our stomachs feel lighter and lighter and we search for the secrets of the heart

we are humans
we are lonely
we like to sit close on the couch
we like to touch each other
we like feeling like we are something more than skeletons with paper mache skin

the head shakes itself no
the vocal cords of the body spew a resounding yes

and the heart can't decide