home

a disconnect. a place to become numb. i don't know why. i only know that i cannot open up. everything's fine on the surface, but since when did i care about the fucking surface?? i inexplicably cannot give of myself here. i stay within. no affection flows. this is supposed to be the place i think about with warm charming little thoughts when i'm in stuck in a rainstorm miles from civilization in a country where i don't speak the language. truth is, i would much rather be there right now, if i could be there with someone with whom i could share love and life.

an emergency vehicle just passed by out on the road. i hope it doesn't slip on the ice. i wish it was taking me to the hospital. it would be an adventure. the EMT's and i could laugh together as they cut open my chest.