home

a disconnect. a place to become numb. i don't know why. i only know that i cannot open up. everything's fine on the surface, but since when did i care about the fucking surface?? i inexplicably cannot give of myself here. i stay within. no affection flows. this is supposed to be the place i think about with warm charming little thoughts when i'm in stuck in a rainstorm miles from civilization in a country where i don't speak the language. truth is, i would much rather be there right now, if i could be there with someone with whom i could share love and life.

an emergency vehicle just passed by out on the road. i hope it doesn't slip on the ice. i wish it was taking me to the hospital. it would be an adventure. the EMT's and i could laugh together as they cut open my chest.

reverse sonnette

stop

eschew the rumble.

thou shalt not stumble.

carry this weight and do not fumble.

open your eyes. hear nature grumble.

the jaguar roars as forests tumble

starving while the masses mumble.

STOP!

awake!

do you not understand?

stop building! stop cutting!

consuming, irgnoring

the plea, the cry

of our mother, the sky

the shit that you crave will be your grave.

thou shalt halt. or watch your world crumble.

yes

"In the time of your life, live—so that in that wondrous time you shall not add to the misery and sorrow of the world, but shall smile to the infinite delight and mystery of it."  -- William Saroyan

mountain

my great desire and deep wish is to make a massive impact on the world through the giving of love and joy and wisdom. i have a burden especially for those oppressed of Soul, existing but not LIVING, the walking dead on their way into the mold of mediocrity and greed that our society places so conveniently in their path. i want those without food, water, or opportunity to get it, too. there's a more concrete solution to that, i'll spread awareness about what's happening, spark passion in others to stop it, ask the world for money to buy food, etc. but how do i go about infusing Life into life? the first step is to live it, of course. stop being addicted to obtaining. i have in many regards, but not enough. i want to live radically. i want to make every moment meaningful, to live with intention, driven by a fiery purpose. to never waste a minute of life on things that don't matter. and then what? i think i will find an intersection that is destitute by night and busy by day, and pitch a tent in it. i will not move when the masses curse me and the fact that they are late to a job they don't like to make money to buy things they don't need. i will watch a bird through the netting of the tent and be glad for its example of freedom. i will tell aforementioned commuters to do the same. 

will this work? i don't know. however, the key for me, the finisher of nothing, the starter of little, is to dive in and start in whatever way i can.

"We stand at the bottom of that mountain feeling overwhelmed, feeling doubt, feeling where do I even begin? You begin when you decide to pick up the shovel. You begin when you determine that you will do all it takes, regardless… You begin when you decide that no matter how long it takes, no matter if your undertaking is successful or not – that it’s not the outcome that matters as much as the journey taken - that shoveling matters." (from http://tizitl.blogspot.com) 

things i find beautiful

I.

ONE hour to madness and joy! O furious! O confine me not!
(What is this that frees me so in storms?
What do my shouts amid lightnings and raging winds mean?)
O to drink the mystic deliria deeper than any other man!
O savage and tender achings! (I bequeath them to you my children,
I tell them to you, for reasons, O bridegroom and bride.)

O to be yielded to you whoever you are, and you to be yielded to me
in defiance of the world!
O to return to Paradise! O bashful and feminine!
O to draw you to me, to plant on you for the first time the lips of
a determin'd man.

O the puzzle, the thrice-tied knot, the deep and dark pool, all
untied and illumin'd!
O to speed where there is space enough and air enough at last!
To be absolv'd from previous ties and conventions, I from mine and
you from yours!
To find a new unthought-of nonchalance with the best of Nature!
To have the gag remov'd from one's mouth!
To have the feeling to-day or any day I am sufficient as I am.

O something unprov'd! something in a trance!
To escape utterly from others' anchors and holds!
To drive free! to love free! to dash reckless and dangerous!
To court destruction with taunts, with invitations!
To ascend, to leap to the heavens of the love indicated to me!
To rise thither with my inebriate soul!
To be lost if it must be so!
To feed the remainder of life with one hour of fulness and freedom!
With one brief hour of madness and joy.

-Walt Whitman

II.

III.

When all the tension, sorrow, and fear inside finally breaks and the tears come at last, like rain, all furious and gentle in the same moment.

IV.

Looking back on times of laughter with people that made it mean something eternal.

V.

Fall leaves backlit by the sun while crisp air sears my lungs.

VI.

You. At least, I'm trying.

driving at midnight:thirty, shortly before almost ending a deer's life

I saw the yellow line in the middle of the road curving into the darkness like the spiraling dough of the eternal sticky bun.