while we sleep (love before first sight)

love cannot wait for the moment

our eyes meet

so our spirits sneak out and liaison

while we sleep

revolución. de amor. ahora.

REVOLUTION OF LOVE

Hugs to all en mass

Spreading the vibe of white light all over the WORLD with Radical living

Song and dance.

A desire and unfolding fulfillment of all hearts being connected will be EXPONENTIAL!!!!

We will break down the invisible castle walls that pervade our daily interactions, that leave us in our inner bubble thinking of the self instead of the grander self of all that IS.

Turning of the world's attention outward to all life, seeing the universe as ONE holy infinite timeless wonder, one sacred moment in boundless mystery, along with a realization that HEAVEN is on EARTH and within our power to achieve, by mass radical love, manifesting itself in each action.

An army of light will rise up and show the world a new way, a sustainable utopia of community is possible- focus on the white Light flowing between all souls and LIVE AS ONE

REVOLUTION

and this is how i know we are one

the tree that shades my head against the heat took root
in the dust of my ancestor's remains

i, too, will one day turn to earth
and the grass will pay homage to my memory
by growing thick and lush
and my great grandchildren will free their toes
in its glorious green and laugh

and i laugh too, for i am content
with my part in the great unending cycle

but-- i will not rest until
i have made of it the best & i will
climb up up to the crest of existence and

leap!

that's death
and i am
at peace
with this.

a leaf being slowly lowered to the earth
by the dancing hands of the wind

snow in the spring sun, melting without protest
plays martyr to the thirst of budding green

dandelions being blown to pieces by overzealous children
give life to the next yellow-headed generation...

it's all a bell
ringing on and on
resonating from the heart of Life
and existence is just an echo

i understood

my eyes are open

but i walk through fields of dreams

i am stronger today

less a boy and more a man

ah, the infinite questions

better to focus on one another's eyes

we don't pretend to know what this is

labels do not suffice to explain the actions of the soul

i have learned

not to hold my heart back, to let it dance

and when i opened my arms to the sun

(to you) i felt my soul bloom like a lotus and i

understood

bones

skin longs to be
against skin

and flesh
against flesh
(the eternal desire)

but bones, bones
our bones
reunite

only in the grave.

bluebird

i am the innocent misled bluebird
that tried to fly inside the house one year
& was cruelly denied by a fresh & sparkling window.
stunned
because all he wanted was to explore his world
a little deeper.

it's not so easy, being an adventurer
but i'll pick myself from the gravel
& fly again.

aventura

...the realities (some delicious, some harsh) of our dreams are in the tiny details, the ones you can only see when they get right up in your face...

i set out tomorrow, along with two dear friends, on a grand adventure. we will ride our bikes to canada, bringing guitars to play in the streets for food money, stealth camping or couchsurfing by night, pedaling on to whatever the road may bring by day... this will last through the end of july, if all goes according to plan / desire and i am indeed accepted to volunteer for invisible children, in which case i'll be flying to san diego at the beginning of august.

you can follow our trip over at the three busketeers, our trip blog. it has an interactive google map, pictures, writing contributions from all of us, and of course a DONATE button! :) we don't have very much money.

during this journey i will be writing as much as possible. every single day. taking into account every detail of the Life inside and outside of me. some of that may find a home on this blog, maybe, maybe not.

i hope that you find peace in your heart

i hope that love will touch you

i hope that you realize the beauty around you and marvel at it

i hope you are filled with Life.

“What is the feeling when you're driving away from people, and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing? -it's the too huge world vaulting us, and it's good-bye. But we lean forward to the next crazy venture beneath the skies.” - Jack Kerouac, from On the Road

the truth about geysers / the subterranean tango

somewhere, deep, underground

there is a hallowed dancefloor where i tango with my one true love

we are subterranean dolphins doing backflips in the dirt

and when we come to the surface

to breathe through the eyes in our backs,

they call it a geyser.

we may be Old but we will be Faithful

until the muddy end.

the price

painted steel & wood frameworks arch high into the blue
rush of wind and whirr of rollers on twisted tracks

the masses curse the length of hot sweaty zigzagging lines
that they paid the price of a dozen meals to stand in

i want to lose my voice screaming
but not while a child loses her voice permanently!

starved

& her mother's parched vocal cords no longer can sound the pained melody
of the mourning song
you could barely hear it,
the city's rumble-grumble of greed
drowning her out

along with me, and you, and the screams
the click-click-clack of the coaster track & rush of wind
drowning her out

pushing past the site of her grief
to secure our place in line
for a thirty second thrill

rolling to a halt all dizzy and just in time
to buy a ten dollar sandwich and curse
the price.

may seven

the river flows buena onda
smooth beats the rhythm of my essence
and sprained ankles can still tap to the music...
living, it's a flow, it's love
it's a piano played for the audience of the universe with nothing but joy the reward
it's laughter & desire, thanks
to the spirit that moves in me and you and her and him
makes us all DANCE
holding hands in a rainbow circle of the soul green grass in our toes...

freedom comes from the inside
it's what bows the violin of an Auschwitz musician
it's the pen of the drafted poet in boot camp
and every man seeks what he has already
deep inside

some say that the effect of closing one's eyes is a temporary blindness
but the truth is
to look within is to zoom out panorama widescreen
and the whole world lies in a single human heart

my heart aches

to be with those with whom i have once connected on that soul level
the ones with whom i've shared beautiful moments, beautiful but fleeting
be it weeks, days, or hours, our time was short
and one or both of us was forced by circumstance and distance to return to our separate lives

CJ in Harrisburg... you became like my sister in only two sleepless days and nights, living radically to save lives, walking around in the city barefoot at 5AM & laughing
Diana G, wherever she is... music & the love of life brought us together the evening of valentines day
Abi, [insert higher power of choice] knows where you are, other than in my fondest memories, i wish we were still in argentina reveling in freedom and joy, snowboarding, drinking local beer and dancing to reggae
George from ? who I talked to about life on the Capitol steps for hours in the middle of the night... you told my your stories and i told you my plans and we smiled because we knew we were kindred spirits even though i think you're thirty years older
Johanna... i miss laughing deeper than anything with you & protecting you from guys twice my size in the club, and hiking up Cerro Otto & i know that you are my second sister
Heloisa in Brasil, peaceful teacher and soul-mentor... we danced and meditated and shared our wisdom and love in broken spanish & it was so beautiful...you welcomed me into your home and heart like none other...

all of these hold pieces of my heart & they are scattered across the globe. of course there are those with whom i am still with geographically, and those with whom i have been able to commune with for years of our lives, and i do not discount them in the least... however, in this moment my collective yearning is for these beautiful people whose physical existences were aligned with mine for only a short time...a flash in the vastness of time and space but each moment was a star a shooting star and may it be that we may see one another once again and dreams of stars will turn into smiling eyes.

connection is magical. when we feel so ALIVE and everything is beautiful because our souls reach out and hug each other's. we know the truth of life without knowing or needing the words for it.

and now i will hobble back to my room resting in the knowledge that it wasn't all a dream. every wonderful experience, transcendental moment, loving encounter, beautiful life-filled time that i have had has always seemed so surreal when looking back on it, almost unbelievable like i saw a movie through my own eyes... and it's always accompanied by some kind of pain, i suppose because what was once is no longer... it's a good pain, it's the ache that reminds us we are alive and it's buried deep in the chest where our faithful hearts keep pumping the blood that lets us live on for another day of seeking life & love & a soul to connect with.

and if we are Lovers of Life

we will take care of our mother the earth
we will love our fellow man without inhibition or fear
we will rejoice at the color in the grass and they sky and give thanks when the winds stroke our hair
we will open our minds and hearts to all
we will give of ourselves and what we have with joy
we will do everything we can to help the unfortunate, dry tears and save lives
we will be driven by passion for all life sentient and non-sentient, preserving, sending love into the atmosphere
we will fill the earth with positive energy
we will be free radicals never saying no unless it endangers love or life
we will never stop learning of others, their cultures and what makes their souls smile

we will sing and dance and lie in the grass because this dirt and these trees, friends and beasts and our very lives are all one

yesterday / dawn

ayer yo vi la cara
del viento, y en sus ojos
pude ver la sangre
de un mil corazones rotos.

translation:

yesterday i saw the face
of the wind, and in its eyes
i could see the blood
of a thousand broken hearts.

i like it better in spanish. like most things. spanish is beautiful, it's like a golden misty morning.

exactly one week ago i came home at 5 AM and chanced to look up into the sky. the stars were bright like backlit diamonds. i took my sleeping bag and two blankets and climbed onto the roof of my shed where it's mostly flat. from that throne i watched the sky as it turned from black to navy to blue to lighter blue and orange began to fan itself up further and further and then i fell asleep. it was beautiful.

sueño de la madrugada

in my dream we rise together

in my dream we never sleep

in my dream our souls are free

to leave our bodies in the deep

in my dream you are my lover

in my dream i have a heart

in my dream you take my hand and whisper

never shall we part.

who am i

a little spanish poem of the moment

esto es lo que yo no puedo explicar
como la luna, cada noche, grita por el mar

pero dame una mano y vamos a vagar
yo se solamente que quiero explorar!

my art

i am bursting with ideas since coming up with a new photo technique. (i'm sure others have done it as well, but i thought it in my head uninfluenced...) it involves long exposures in a completely dark room and manual fired flashes and sometimes flashlights. a glimpse of the insanity:

one day i shall not be contained

my skin is tingling with energy

i can't stop moving and i want more than anything to frolic free long into the night with anyone and everyone who feels this same massive exploding yearning to abandon cares and caution and "maturity" and to be mad insane radical children exploring the world all wide-eyed bringing home frogs in our pockets...

one day not so far away i will have the freedom to do that. but for now, i am forced to sit inside this tomb and dream...

the sliding glass door

i saw a child of maybe three, a boy with curly black hair and an innocent face, running towards me from the other side of a clean curved piece of glass inside a curved wall. it was clear to me that i was inside some sort of fancy room and he, out. he did not stop as he ran at the glass. his face made contact at the cheek and stuck, while the rest of his body rose effortlessly from the ground. his neck was bent to facilitate a position of flying, and he smiled as he waved his limbs. i was quite delighted. it became clear to me that the glass was a door that could slide, and i stepped forward and pressed a red button on the wall. the glass began to slide, but the boy was not carried to the left along with it. he stayed in the middle of the opening while the glass slid along his chubby cheek. he was still flying and smiling. before the edge of the door reached him

i woke up.

i drink in darkness

what is this strange comfort that relaxes my muscles as i shut the locked door behind me?
what is this gleam that appears in my eye the second the light which would reveal it is snuffed out?

first breath after coma

ahhhh how beautiful to lose oneself in music, drown in its depth, joy, and pain, to journey incredible soundscapes sitting in a new friend's car late at night, sharing the epic soul moments and awakenings that we are given by the songs that we love--

this is life! this is Life!! this is LIFE!!!!

telling and hearing stories of radical experiences, shy awkwardness giving way to serene understanding, falling over in the snow (always worth the joy of the slide), ditching the masses to walk in the icy air and marvel at the sky, trying to skip down the line in the middle of the road and running in erratic circles to stay warm, having a good cup of coffee with laughter...

and when i squint just right at the streetlights they explode up into the sky like fireworks

and when i look over to the drivers seat you are purely in the moment, head back and eyes closed mouthing the melody, air drumming with your hands and feet and i think about how beautiful your soul is my friend

and now i can feel it rising all over me inside me and the shivers run up and down my body as the cymbals and the horns and the strings and the choir and the soaring melody carry me on their wings to new heights and my face is locked into the widest grin i've had in months and for once i Feel, life holding my heart in its hands at last 

and i will not hold it in any longer!!

i open my palms to the universe and i suck deep into my lungs my first breath after coma.

------------------------------------------------------

yes, my saturday night was magnificent. i have of late been starved of these moments, so it was a veritable feast... and although it was cut short by the worried calls of those upon whom i am dependent, i am nothing but grateful. to life, to aforementioned wonderful acquaintance rapidly turned friend, to the crafters of the music that connects to our souls, to pretty much everything... and i haven't felt alive like this in a long time, i have been a robot with a broken motherboard, searching for myself and my identity and drowning in the caustic rhetoric and routine of blue mountain academy... and i am so relieved to reconnect to myself, to live in the innocent and fun and beautiful moments. all it took to snap out of the fog was the right company and the right situation. how wonderful!

kick

hackysack... one of my healthier escapes

some things that happened!

today i bought wonderful boldly printed retro looking silky fabric to make a tie with. i will wear it with the black suit that i don't really like to wear, and i will feel fulfilled because i made it.

this morning i meditated, the Kundalini meditation as taught by the late indian guru Osho, which includes shaking and dancing along with the whole lotus position being quiet deal that many imagine to be the sum of meditation. it is an hour long, consisting of 15 minute segments (shaking, dancing, sitting quietly, lying down peacefully) to specifically made music... i shook free all of the doubts and plagues and headaches of my mind from the last few days, and during the dance segment i was running through fields with joy, and then i was watching the sunrise with birds flying overhead, and then starting from my head i peeled my skin all the way off and shook around with my various unfettered bodily juices splashing everywhere, and i was really really happy, and then i put all my skin back on, and i was still happy. during the third stage the music is very haunting, and today i saw a mother crying for her dead child, and a brokenhearted lover, and i was very sad. then i cleared my mind and was very peaceful.


i thought about love.

saturday morning

down, down, down, through rusty pipes, centuries old
the refuse of my abandon flows.
it is an angry, caustic river, and
the debris of its journey remains in my nose.

the heart can't decide

will i take your hand, or will both of our ashes end up buried in the yard?
i love you, we need each other, i am afraid, you are confused

but our stomachs feel lighter and lighter and we search for the secrets of the heart

we are humans
we are lonely
we like to sit close on the couch
we like to touch each other
we like feeling like we are something more than skeletons with paper mache skin

the head shakes itself no
the vocal cords of the body spew a resounding yes

and the heart can't decide

to be free

the soul of the Night

and the love that is Light

join together to fight

against wrong masked as right.

and I with my weakness

try to break through the bleakness,

exit this tomb of red and blue glass--

(pursue the abomination: ASK ASK ASK)!

that i might fly, inside, abide

with Night and Light, take up their cry,

run together, scream together

abolish polished walls, bring fall

to palsy of the soul, and all

boundaries surrounding

hearts that Are   

                              POUNDING!

                                                      bursting!!

                                                                        thirsting!!!

                                                                                    to be free!!!!

railroad

my fingers will travel this track and all that we have ever lacked will be turned back by the border officials of this land of sonourous beauty

[the photo is of my guitar, motionblurred frets sidelit by flashlight in the dark]

the switch

he likes to chew his cashews in five
washes dishes and scat sings to feel more alive
he wonders when and if love will arrive
and searches for the switch, survive to thrive.

mao

yellow teeth, smoke rising
beautiful and smiling--

i miss you, old friend.

boulders

wait while the ghosts of dead families decide my sentence—
the judge is out and the jury sits in the big chair with a mallet
and pounds little birds into the woodwork

please! duct tape my heart to the inside of my head!
turn my skin inside out, maybe then, maybe then
clara barton will run away!

i dare you! look away from that cancerous dance in a box,
look me in my eye
and oh! how our insanity shall multiply!

do you feel it? the creeping madness?!
the hurtling stone in the heart, the bitter sneer of the lip
the excrement of a thousand subconscious lusts tingling in your toes!!?

and i will kick and kick and maybe finally, finally
my foot will fly off and land on the boardroom table,
and the moldy beasts with their black leather briefcases
will shrink back in terror while i hop to the kitchen to get a bagel

but oh! my love! if you read this will you still put my head on your heart?
will you still kiss my neck, run your hand down the appalachia of my ribs
and smile?

lightning! make me your mistress, we will find electric pleasures in the angry clouds
and i will hide in the forest when the sun comes home from work!

don't look! don't look! don’t look to the sea!
for salt and spray have betrayed you and me
and our boat's beams are made of bones


i am but a stone's throw from the chains of the sane—
thank god there are only boulders here.

gunpowder

i am gunpowder
i will explode one day
instrument of death
or joyful display?

words of my hero

"It’s good to remind myself when I’m having a crisis of purpose and feeling useless that at least I can make something beautiful." -Andrew Bird

i am in that position. and i as well can make something beautiful. ah, what hope lies in art.

todo fue bien / twenty three degrees

but we laid on the shore of blue marsh lake, mesmerized, hypnotized by the beauty of the moon and stars and we could have sworn it was them moving and not the clouds, and we saw robot dogs and cigar smokers in the moon and amputees and a child riding a dinousaur in the clouds, and i shook and shivered and exulted in the beauty of the earth and the company of one of the best friends i've ever had, and chilled to the bone there was peace among man in the silence. and little birds that chirped short bell sounding chirps followed us in the bushes on the trail and i had visions of big evil birds and was scared for a moment but fear laid itself back down on its bed in the back room of my mind y todo fue bien.

and we took pictures of the moon in the branches, and of the lake shore thirty second exposures and put ourselves in them to make sure this isn't a dream, and felt generally great, just like earlier when we were making and eating perfect pizza and blessing it with laughter. and at midnight i drove home listening to andrew bird's transcendentally achingly beautiful song "weather systems" (which is so perfect and special to me that i will only listen to it in very meaningful times) and felt grateful and remembered to turn off my high beams for the occasional oncoming brother or sister encased in speeding metal, and one time the shadow that my lights and a rise in the road for a fleeting second made looked exactly like a b2 stealth bomber. but "don't be scared" also by the wondrous mr. bird was playing y todo fue bien.

this morning i welcomed the sun coming through the rainbow italian peace flag in my window with a pantsless twirly beckoning kind of dance, to the tune of the tranquil and subtly joyful "tantric day" from "music from the world of osho" the album "ten thousand buddhas" and it felt so good and i felt like the universe was my mother and i thanked the sun for giving another day of light and i forgot what it said to me, but it involved a thankyou as well. then i did my spanish homework, y todo fue bien.

a thursday evening

alone, i find some semblance of peace
my fingers shake from lack of sleep
silence grows in its defiance of day
and all the songs in my head fade away.

your shoulder, your neck, their absence
my faltering frame's desire for warmth
your hand in my hair, a memory
the rest in your touch, a dream.

soon i will rise, but not inside
soon i will walk, but i wish to glide!
soon i will smile like i never lied
soon i will laugh, but i'll wish to have cried.

goodbye, hawaii

i will miss you and your friendly beaches and the strength of the waves that break upon them, and watching the surfers ride them for pure joy, and waking up late to the warm sun through the window and putting on jack johnson and smiling inside and out. thankyou.

the best things

"There are things you do because they feel right & they may make no sense & they may make no money & it may be the real reason we are here: to love each other & to eat each other's cooking & say it was good." -Brian Andreas

oh eight / oh nine / don't worry be happy

"The new year is here, and I wonder what it will bring. I wonder what great music and art will be created, what new relationships will be formed, what adventures will be undertaken, what losses will come.

This year, I want to really think all the time. To question all the time. To love truly, to create amazing things, to adventure, to take risks."

that ^ is from the beginning of the year. i was all about capitalization then, haha. i feel very fulfilled as i read my aspirations for this year and know that i realized them. here are a few things i remember from oh eight:

falling in love with diana and existing in it in Spain, first kiss in the basement of a hippie store in madrid, all messy and beautiful, and the ensuing heartbreak of our end.
mountain top moment in argentina, just me and the andes with golden light on the jagged peaks.
seasons of depression and numbness and a whole ton of self doubt.
fires on makaha beach in hawaii with a mandolin, cousins, and the brightest sky of the universe.
winning the ping pong tournament.
timeless incredible perfect jam sessions with matt in the big room
playing the goodbye song to the class of oh eight and all the tears that followed, and all the tears that came with the realization that my best friends, band members, and myriad special people were all leaving me.
andrew bird concert and its vast and perfect beauty, telling mr. bird that he is my hero, to his face.
waking up to sufjan on a lazy sunday morning and being warmed by the sun coming through my flags in the window.
nasty sweaty mornings working breakfast dishroom.
brazilian lover eduarda and learning emptiness of lust without true love and depth.
talking to jolly okot, warrior of peace in uganda africa on the phone, invisible children and my attempts at leading an effort to raise money for them, the depression about not doing enough, and the revival of my passion for the cause.
reading on the road and the dharma bums and their subsequent impact on my thought and life.
talks and tough questions with pastor serge.
stress, a quarter's worth of ap english work to do in one night.
getting kicked out of bel canto and the subsequent pain and acceptance.
active meditations with helouisa in argentina, and learning about life from her.
finding a love of languages and learning spanish.
finding peace with a sweet smelling flower and the wind and the waves on waikiki beach.
lots of thoughts on death and life and the moment.
seeing the universe sway.
running around trees madly in the winter rain barefoot playing my harmonica in my irish felt tophat.
discovering the ugliness of jealousy, becoming accidentally trapped in girl drama.
andrea, our mutual fascination and attraction, and the sudden fade of the spark on my end.
the wall.
el porro and ensuing beautiful madness.
forays into conspiracy theories with dad, improvement of our relationship, actually having a deep conversation with him that didn't end in a stalemate of blind religious dogma vs my creedless open existence.
increased bitterness and anger and caged feeling at school, especially during forced religious activities, worship, church, etc.
dance parties with jeff and johnny and steve and a slew of random objects.
long term relationships between friends crashing and burning.
almost leaving school mid quarter to go on the road with dave and no money or equipment.
almost hitting a deer while driving too fast wrong side of the road at one am blasting hardcore with the windows down.
amelie and her vast inspiration.
discovering walt whitman and leaves of grass in the library at union while i was supposed to be auditing a class, reading "one hour to madness and joy" over and over again and the tears that came to my eyes for its perfection.
the intense call of the night and being stuck inside blue mountain academy's fucking dormitory and not being able to answer.
the jawdropping incredible flamenco guitarists that i saw in an irish pub in argentina, three times.
loneliness and the inner tension of a need for love and a desire to stay free and a desire not to use anyone or hurt anyone.
learning to crochet and making a damn good hat for emily.
descending into san martin de los andes at night on the bus while listening to pavoratti and the way his last high note ended exactly as the bus stopped.
new friends, abi, johanna, andrew, graham, michelle, mao, the whole gang in bariloche.
running down the street for sheer joy late at night and afterclub aloneness with the lake and the wind at 6 am.
breaking out of the bubble i've lived in most of my life, the difficulty of breaking the mental bubble, and the pain of having to return to it.
hiking in argentina and hawaii and rediscovering my love of the trail and the natural world.
getting the d300 and the subsequent artistic depression about not using it enough.
writing amazing poetry, and writing shitty poetry.
my radical raw soul experience on senior retreat in which i saw the world as one huge fluid existence of energy and sobbed heaving hard deep cries like never before over the lack of love and acceptance and freedom and expounded all the silent wisdom from my heart on ears that did not truly understand, friends who thought i was demon possessed, and i felt the souls of every person in the world and laid on the night earth writhing with love and brokenness and release, and justin's scary voice when he said there is only one way, speaking of jesus christ, and my subsequent broken cry and throwing of the earth at him, our tense exchange and eventual hug, and how i wanted to dance after.
feeling like a failure one day and a savior the next, and feeling nothing the next, and everything the next.
masses of ideological confusion and the realization that how i got here, where i'm going, and what is happening in a different dimension does not change the way in which i wish to live my life.
being forced to cut my hair.
surfing my first wave all the way in to shore.
missing the people i love that are scattered about the globe.
moving past listening only to indie and reveling in the incredible soundscape of the music of different world cultures.
discovering my love of reggae and late nights dancing to it in la cantina.
myriad future plans and the accompanying excitement.
photoshoot on the shed roof with janna and angela and a saw and an orange and chairs and newsweeks and croquet mallets wearing all plaids and a bowtie.

i thank you, oh eight, for all that you gave to me. and now i move on to oh nine. i will graduate high school this year. i will turn nineteen, which sounds much older than eighteen.

this year is about eschewing fear. it's about stepping out of my comfortable little inner self and becoming a radical. talking to all the people i see that i want to meet and learn from and share with but am too afraid to. being bold and passionate and intentional about my life. becoming secure about myself so that i can better give of myself to others. doing the odd things that i want to do that free my soul without worrying what people will think.

i want to love boundlessly, experience deep raw intense soul experiences, create beautiful meaningful things, learn all that i can, adventure recklessly, live in harmony, find peace within myself, actually finish some of the things i start, meditate more, read, write, and learn to live simply.

i'm excited about this year and its surprises and joys. i also am sure it will hold pain and aloneness and difficulty. i embrace this. the fire cleanses the heart. "the more that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

i love life, and celebrating this year's one digit reminder of it. i am thankful that i exist. i am thankful that you exist. let us dance and sing together.